This is a continuation of diary of an assistant girlfriend part 1, click here to read it.
Jack soon got himself an apartment in town and off campus. It meant we wouldn’t get to see each other as often as we used to. I was always welcome to his place but he was a stickler for propriety. Blame it on him being too much of a mommy’s boy but he could never agree to my spending more time than was necessary at his place. So I only came during the weekends.
Exams were by the corner and I had a lot of catching up to do with my studies, I had not been as studious as I should and it was beginning to take its toll. Dating someone with such a roller coaster attitude was beginning to tell on me. I was always worried about the next probable cause of a quarrel between I and Jack because that would mean weeks of silence. When you love a man like I loved Jack, you never stopped to think or consider, you just acted. Even if some of those actions were detrimental to your well being. I was obsessed with Jack, I thought of him so often I couldn’t sleep. Because I couldn’t sleep, I read and prepared for my exams, even though it was proving such an arduous task. I was lonely most times, although i had friends. I was suspicious of them so I began to distance myself from them. Jack had managed to settle down in his new apartment. At twenty-seven, this was the first time he was ever living apart from his parents. Weekends when we weren’t having one of our couple tiffs became quite special to me as I went to spend time over at his place. I did all that was required of a girlfriend and more. He often said, he didn’t miss home so much because of me and I glowed from comments like this.
I don’t know why, but I felt inferior I guess, being the one who was lucky to be with him. It made me feel like I had to do a lot to keep him and this I did even at the expense of my own comfort. We had another argument before I left his place, it had been so bad that I felt our relationship had surely ended. I tried to scale through the exams without breaking down even after all the reading binges I’d been on to meet up with the course outline. By the end of the semester, I had a new friend, Richard. He was a friend in church who always looked rather sickly but was cool all the same.
By the time I resumed year three, Richard was extremely skinny, and frequently spent time in and out of the clinic. He had frequent hemodialysis in the hospital now. He had chronic kidney disease and was awaiting surgery for a transplant. I’d never been so close to such a thing in my life, I didn’t even know what to say to him or how to help him. All I felt for him was fear and pity.
But Richard was a great guy. He was full of life and so lively that I felt ashamed for being depressed over a failing relationship. Jack and I eventually patched things up and for a while didn’t get into quarrels or arguments.
I was happy for a moment, but things were no longer as pure as they once were. For me, i had been too depressed, it was hard to believe everything was cool.
For him, some of his friends had begun filling his ears with lots of gist about me, and the guys in the bq. They didn’t matter for a while until he began to repeat some of their advice to me.
Technically, we didn’t have sex because I couldn’t go all the way with him. We would fondle, smooch and even give and receive blow jobs but that was where it ended. It wasn’t like I didn’t trust him fully, I just wasn’t ready to go all the way and no amount of his cajoling could make me. I know what girls like my roomie say about guys and how they wouldn’t stick around if you didn’t go all the way with them. I wanted Jack to stay with me but I just wasn’t ready yet.
Some of his friends advised him to get another girl and he would often repeat this when I was stalling his attempts to have sex with me. I really don’t know if he ever cheated on me, but i know what happened on Valentine’s day.
We had planned to revamp our relationship. I was supposed to spend the weekend over at his place. I finally planned to go all the way with him and for days leading up to Val’s we talked of nothing else.
But on the D-day, he was nowhere to be found. I couldn’t reach him on phone because his phone was switched off. After hours of not getting through to him on phone, I decided to take the bull by the horn and go to his place, invited or not, after all we had planned to see.
I didn’t know what to expect at his place but I went anyways hoping he had some reasonable explanation for the silence. I hoped in my heart I could make things better between us this weekend. I wanted to go all the way with him on this special day because I always thought our not having sex was the cause of our issues. Kristen thought so too so I believed it must be so, the only thing was, nobody was home when I got to his place.
I sat outside and waited for hours but Jack never returned home. I went back home dejected and disappointed but the next day when he called with a truck load of apologies and promises, I felt happy again. He said his phone fell into water that morning and he had to go to the phone repair shop to have it fixed. He forgot his smaller phone at home so had no means of reaching me.
I didn’t ask pertinent questions like, why didn’t he call me to tell me of the misfortune? Why ignore my calls that morning on his smaller phone and eventually switch it off? Why didn’t he call as soon as he got home. Those questions were at the tip of my tongue to ask but I swallowed them. I was glad we were good again, nothing else seemed to matter beside that.
One time, I read Steve Harvey’s ‘Act like a lady, Think like a Man’ and determined I would ask Jack some of the pertinent questions raised but I never got around to doing it. Somewhere along the line, I’d become really terrified of losing him that I wallowed in silence instead of asking him questions like, ‘what he really felt for me as different from what he liked about me?’ The questions seemed needy and I didn’t want to appear to be that. Only problem was, that was exactly what I was.
By the end of first semester, i was busy with getting my IT placement, and Richard was getting worse. Although his surgery had been successful, he hadn’t fully recovered. His parents spent a lot of money on his treatment, they went to churches and we held special prayers for him at the fellowship too. I always had to cheer him up because his illness was beginning to get the better of him. I couldn’t dare bring up my relationship to him because it reminded him of what he would never do. Get into a love relationship with a girl. He was just twenty-two but had barely lived.
Richard had been born with an inherited Glycogen storage disease which had been misdiagnosed for a long time until it led to Cirrhosis. He had grown up with so much pain and limitations, it was difficult to be a normal child. But despite it all, at twenty-two, he was undergoing pre-degree to study medicine and was determined to become a medical doctor.
Maybe it was his strong fighting spirit that influenced me but like him I was determined to never give up. People said love was painful and indeed I was becoming familiar with pain. The pain that came with sacrificing your everything for someone who didn’t seem to ever acknowledge or appreciate it in kind. Sure, he had the sweet words to make you feel loved but his actions seemed to be the opposite. Just like Lai Mohammed and telling the truth ran on parallel lines that was how different Jack’s words were from his deeds.
Like the time I splurged thousands on him to get him an expensive gift on his birthday but I hadn’t received even a call on mine because we were not on talking terms then. When we eventually made up, he blamed it on me for getting him riled.
Maybe all our problems were only in my head, but i knew things were not right between us, yet I couldn’t let go because I was determined to have him love me back. That determination became my prison.
TO BE CONTINUED